The Passion of the Cola

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If I ever have the opportunity to produce a Super Bowl commercial, this is the commercial that I will make.

Picture this; you're at the crucifixion. Jesus hangs on the cross. The Roman soldiers taunt him, tear apart his clothes and spear him just as in the gospels.

Suddenly, we hear a choir of angels soar above the roar of the crowd. The clouds part and a shaft of holy light shines down onto the face of Jesus, who looks skyward and smiles.

Jesus clamors down off the cross and picks up his soiled rags that are suddenly pristine white. The crowd parts as the holy light follows him across the plateau and up to a Roman pavilion. He cocks a finger to the sky and the holy light waits patiently as Jesus walks up the steps and through the archway.

There, inside the pavilion, is a vending machine. Jesus doesn't touch it; he just holds his hand to it and it clicks, dispensing a Pepsi. He cracks the can and drinks the Pepsi in huge, thirsty gulps. Exiting the pavilion, Jesus crushes the can and tosses it into a bin labeled "Be Kind to Mother Earth." He steps back into the shaft of holy light and whistles. The light follows him back through the crowd and he clamors back up onto the cross.

In a final close-up, Jesus turns his face to the light above, "Ahhhhhhhh."

Title, in a bold font: NOTHING ELSE IS A PEPSI.


After I win a Cleo for this particular spot, I spend the next several years living in hiding, reading my fan mail and death threats.